EXULTET VIVERE

A month ago or so, I was clinically diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. It's not like it's a surprise or anything-- I knew I needed help. It was either that or generalized anxiety disorder. But it was more than anxiety, I suppose. It was some unexplained sadness I always felt. Even though there wasn't anything to be sad about (I was anxious about my school performance, but the nagging burden never left after all my academic responsibilities ended), I was depressed and kept on asking myself if there was something I kept on forgetting. I dropped a major subject (which "entitles" me to getting delayed for a year) in which my performance was suffering. And about that, I think I could have done it, mentally. Emotionally, no. During duty days I felt like I was in a pit being buried alive. I had such a perceived lack of support systems, and the support system I was forced to be in decided to go on a mental war with me on account of me not agreeing with their methods of "having fun". And now, they're using my diagnosis against me when I'm... not even around anymore. And these are people who took Community Mental Health with me. But it's fine. No use thinking about that anymore.

And I did go to a doctor. Amazing how UP-PGH offers free consultations to students like me. I didn't pay a single cent. My doctor's nice. Sometimes I wonder if he's genuinely empathetic or if that's just how he does his job but either way, it feels good to have at least one person think of psychosocial conditions such as these objectively. And the meds help. Although they screw up my period, I think it's better than being depressed about nothing. I'm not really sure if I'm taking the meds for life because I can't imagine life on it forever.

But the thing about having a diagnosis like that is people take it against you. I'm usually open about my feelings but about this, I think twice about revealing my condition out publicly. It frustrates me a lot that people think differently about me when they find that I'm diagnosed as bipolar. It's not like I randomly explode or do anything rash. I'm just sad most of the time. I wish I could just talk about my bipolar tendencies without getting a negative reaction.

But you know what, I'm happy right now. I don't know if it's the lack of school work, or that I know I can do all the things I've wanted to do in the next year since I have a lax schedule. I can go out more. I can learn more things, read more books, paint more. I have a group of friends in church who were the friends I wish I could have again (I admit, I miss having geek friends who enjoyed art, games, cards, and comics-- you barely find those in UP Manila). I get to enjoy more with my boyfriend. I'm helping a friend set up his indie art gallery at Cubao Expo. I'm in a production design team in church and I spend my Sundays playing tabletop games with my favourite kids and people. I'm just irredeemably happy. I'm still working on equipping myself for when the anxiety strokes again. I hope I can get it right this time.